Leslie ‘mizz fab’ Ryan
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Undermine their pompous authority, reject their moral standards, make anarchy and disorder your trademarks. Cause as much chaos and disruption as possible but don't let them take you ALIVE
“I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.”
“Life is nothing without a little chaos to make it interesting.”
Demon in My View
about the Author
I always felt a sense of being broken. A puzzle piece that never fit anywhere. I was adopted at a young age. After spending sometime in foster care. There was allot of psychological damage done early on. Yet it was in those beginning years of neglect I became a fighter. I have always had a good strong hold on my emotions and have always even in my quietest moments been good at expressions of all sorts.
When I was younger I would make radio shows with my sister and her friends . We would record them on tapes and play them back. Those moments where the few times I laughed.
I was exposed to writing at a young age. My mother was a preschool teacher and often took her work home with her. By the time I went to school I was bright . I also remember always loving art. My favorite show was Reading Rainbow, my first journey into escapism. I found no matter how scary the world was, if I had a book in my hand I was safe.
I began writing at the age of 10 short stories and letters to people who hurt me. I never could handle confrontation . So I began writing how I felt in letters , I never sent. I just stashed them in notebooks under my mattress. Those letters eventually turned into poems and I have my second grade teacher Mrs. Ober to thank for that.
No matter how much chaos or danger I was in I had one safe place to turn too.
My young adult years where the toughest . i fought with addictions of all sorts and alcoholism . I spent many years running allover the country trying to escape my problems . Instead of writing it out. I became very sick. Withdrawn and suffered severely from social anxiety.
I still wrote just not as much . There where suicide attempts and allot of guilt. Amidst the storms several loved ones died. Including my mom who I had a very damaging relationship with. I kept running . I kept avoiding everything I held inside. The secret world I had created had gotten very small. The walls where closing in and I was stuck.
At 25 I was diagnosed with bipolar , borderline personality disorder and PTSD. I had my first mental breakdown and finally admitted to self injuring. As well as admitted myself to the hospital the first time with 250 self induced scars .
The whole time I was dealing with all of this chaos I thought I was alone. Yet during my last suicide attempt over three years ago something awoke inside of me.
I felt an urgency to write everything out . I got interested in spoken word which became a release an exorcism of the demons I held onto. I became a online radio host and as I began to share my story I realized finally I didn't need to fit in. Some of us are meant to stand out. I can help my community. I have been blessed with enough life experience to fill a few books. Yet my happiness , my nirvana is creating.
I may still feel broken but there is allot more light now . I am capable of so much . Writing has just given me the power to stop hiding and running. I have found a home where the paper and pens never run out.
This is who I am and every damaged and whole piece is fabulous. I am really amazed at who I have become. I know all those who I have lost along the way are proud too. I hope to continue to be able to grow as I continue to explore my recovery through my words.
13 Self just bill.mp3